i dont wanna talk about it,

but chem was tough! =(

waaaaaah!

='(

Weakness unveiled! THANK YOU GOD!

my power is made perfect in your weakness meiyan!

i came to yldp 2009 without much expectations. well, of course i wanted to experience God again, meet up with lotsa ol buddies and have post spm fun fun FUN! but well, much of my attention was towards the 2nd n 3rd objectives as i was already EXPERIENCING GOD during that time. i was glad in fact that i dint need a camp to boost my passion for christ up again. But at the same time i was pretty devastated as i didnt feel the need of God at all. you get what i mean? its not the i didnt need God, of course i did. But my life was jolly happy during the first few days. I praised and thanked God for that as i have not been feeling like that for quite long with the SPM stress and all. But silently i prayed that God wil b real again somehow... by making me miserable. well, he's perfect in my weakness is he not? He always is.

so on the last night of camp God revealed something to me. actually he was doing so during the whole camp but i guess i was deaf. Joanne, Sonia and Grace Y kept pointing out to me that i had some kinda walls that are so inpenetratable surroundin me. i shrugged that idea off anyways, i mean they didnt know me that well did they?

during altar call night, i didnt go up. though i felt a prompting i didnt bother as i didnt want my feelings and emotions to get in the way. i sat there, trying to get into the mood of spirit, prayed prayed and prayed. nada.

Soon, Rach T came to me and told me how she felt. mm... (this is awesome!) she mentioned the exact same things as my cell members were confronting me about. the walls and stuff. i broke down. yep, i knew what she was talking about but i didnt know why how and when the walls were there. She continued saying that mayb thats why the holy spirit cant get thru me. honestly, i never felt it.

i pondered about it and found out that well, i hated being vunerable to people. Since young i have never had a best friend and well its not that my personality sucks or anyth since i have many awesome friends. I guess i never gave anyone a chance to get near me. Lack of trust? certainly! I always had this thought that, well God wants me to love others, so i do. though the world may hate me or not return the favour. So i seek affection from God, which never fails to comfort me! i guess this time, Gods tellin me that its time that i give myself a chance to be loved by others too. gonna be hard as i am an expert at drawing friends and repelling them when they get too close. (so most of the time, they think that i hate em but i dont)


God, help me ok?

=D glad im growingg!

used to struggle with the fact that different people had different influence and beliefs regarding christianity. it aint easy to love those who share the same faith, but... interprets their faith differently. Most of the time, we will usually result to judge the other person. im soo glad i realised that sooner! thanks to my friends who constantly critisised me for being so judgemental. Im glad God gave me a teachable heart too =) thank you God!

"whatever you believe in these things, keep between yourselves and God"

SPM

Im afraid, not that I'll fail
but that my confidence would pull me down.
Papers were easy, TOO easy, you understand?
I cant deny it! I JUST CANT!

You may think im boasting,
priding in my oh-so smartness;
im not! and i really dont intend to,
for my steadfastness is in the truth

Now im starting to worry,
with all the anger and fury,
Do you think God is mad as well?
I dont know... i cant tell.

But what i do know, is that HE was really THERE,
as i jotted down my answers,
he revived my brain with memories that i never knew i could recall,
thus, the reason i stand tall.

I have few papers left to sit for,
my mind, set for scholarships and great archi schools.
am i too confident that even my head refuses to absorb the last minute knowledge im feeding it?
That aint too swell.

I am determined, this time.
Idols away! Christ comes first.
Im not sure if im succeeding,
but rest assure im doing my best.

So what should i say now?
That SPM is fine? No, its not fine.
in fact, its much greater than fine,
Cmon, its the FINEST paper ive ever sat for in my life,
And much pride i taketh in for doing it all by myself.

Again, im reminded,
Twas God. Twas God
Plus my school teachers, who were always there.

To others, i assure you,
tuition is not a must.
it really isnt.
just remember who you give credits to when you get the credits u earned later on.
Twas God, Twas God

funny

funny how we can hate people and love them the next moment
but yet feel the resistance to love more than we want to.

Proved me wrong she did.

I'm glad, she's back!
though just for a lil while.
reminds me of those days,
ah hah! tears, joy and plain craziness.

Silence is beginning to settle at the right time,
and chaos, this time for all to enjoy.
Put back that smile on our faces,
and we'll be laughing our ass off with Aces.

Then we shall jump with black hats and gowns,
scrolls in one hand, goodbyes on the other.
then shall we depart, knowing NOTHING shall again set us apart!

Aiyo...

selfish selfish lil freaks.
so much worse those selfless geeks.
per class per pic thats so much better
than lettin' bonds divide and shatter.

I'll bring my cam ok? said she.
nope its k, ill bring. said he.
"when they pose we'll take it, run and flee
ooh! that sounds so good, so great! to me..."

"Their using ours now, why so?
what'r you to them? a friend or foe?
Stick by us, or out you go!
Hah! you'll stick with us, i know."

Its three one to eight
used to be nine, but to date,
that one has left em when one of em said
"though u aint comin, we aint repayin.
oh ooo... youre just too late!"

An atom is splitting,
the results, surely devastating.
spm's comin, you sure you'll do well?
maybe, youre smart. but thats just a shell.

outside, youre filled with courage
inside, disgustin flesh that brings about rage
and that, in life shall be your cave.
until yourself you one day save.

sorry chicky

Your mom was the only thing that stopped the
black, brown and yellow
from arguing during dinner

Our society.

blamest thou not thy young but thyself
for vain conceit amid dispute
for cussing yet again, a word too familiar.
and for everything else that doest thou
for their eyes have sighted,
their ears have heard,
their minds have perceived.
and it'll remain, for the generation to come
and that is yet to come.

when you hate a person

it just means that
that person is not worthy of your love just yet.
give it a lil time to settle
and you'll find yourself running into your mummy's arms again.

Flawlessness in imperfection

the next time you worship lead
smile and thank God for each flaw
for in each of em,
God's power shines more thoroughly!
and you'll know

it wasnt you, but God that moves hearts.

if only...

if you can lift up your hands
without a sense of self consciousness,

if you can help the needy,
and expect none or less.

if you can pray amid
a whole lot of distractions,

if you can let worship lead you
instead of striving for perfection,

if you can rebuke your brother,
without loosing that touch of love

if you can not loose your focus,
while keeping silent to hear Him speak

if you can remain in faith and keep your cool,
when others struggle in devils pool

if you can face the mirror without judging yourself,
if you can stare at others and not be tempted
to condemn or compare,
though it takes so much to not to care.

nobody appreciates caring people anymore anyway.

then you have discovered
something everyone has been longing for
peace.

Anxiety?

symptoms i checked on the net (ones i experienced)

Afraid of everything
Altered state of reality, consciousness, or universe feeling
Deja Vu, a feeling like you've done or experienced something before
Depersonalization
Derealization
Desensitization
Difficulty concentrating, short-term memory loss
Difficulty thinking, speaking, forming thoughts, following conversations
Disorientation
Fear of going crazy
Fear of losing control
Fear of impending doom
Feelings of unreality
Frequent feeling of being overwhelmed, or that there is just too much to handle or do
Having difficulty concentrating
Nightmares, bad dreams
Obsession about sensations or getting better
Repetitive thinking or incessant ‘mind chatter’
Short-term learning impairment, have a hard time learning new information
Short-term memory impairment, can't remember what I did a few days, hours, or moments ago
Spaced out feelings, feeling spaced out
"Stuck" thoughts; thoughts, mental images, concepts, songs, or melodies that "stick" in your mind and replay over and over again.
Trapped in your mind feeling
Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear
You often feel you are carrying the world on your shoulders

hoping it wouldn happen again...

Trials were comin along pretty well, i think i could easily score straight As this time.

But today during Phy 1, that feeling came back again.

Hard to explain, it was as though my whole world started moving at a very fast pace,

i was irritated and lost all focus on the paper. I tried to shrug off the feeling when it started to come, but to no avail. It started getting worse. The birds chipping got louder, clearer... so were the other noises in the room. Fan spinning, paper flippin...

then my mind went blank - during exam!

i was so annoyed.

i thought i was going crazy.

its sorta like a sense of Deja Vu. I experienced this MANY times before throughout my life. One significant experience was while i was less than 10 years old, i fell ill. I was sitting at the top bunk of the double decker in my old condo. I asked my mum, why was she and the maid moving so fast. Thats all i can remember.

I think that feeling came because i was unable to answer few questions because when i moved on from the back where the easier ones were, i felt better. I was so scared. I was good at physics and didnt wanna flunk it. Glad God helped me through, though much time was wasted staring blankly at the paper... =(

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant;
for they too have their story.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is perennial as the grass.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life
keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.

HELP Interview

i wasnt nervous, until i awaited my turn.

but it was swell. the lady said i did great. she was impressed by my CV.

she was friendly. HELP really does have excellent lecturers. I met Mr Paul too who was nice.

He told me he and many lecturers left taylors and sunway to join HELP.

he also advised me not to study psychology and i totally agree with his reason- that they cant go far in Malaysia. but if graduates plan to work overseas, go ahead.

another thing, HELP lecture halls are smelly and small. i think its the same with most universities anyway. and the students get immune to it. and nowander they smell like that too.

for example, a scholar who was assigned to assist my group, snobbish sangat!!!

then again, arent they all?

I'm lovin it! =)

College kids.

Last saturday, aft my usapp worksop, i went to support Andrew Foo and his business club for a KNF charity fundraising play at Taylors col. The sketch was about this girl who got leukemia from the atomic bombs at hiroshima, so she started folding cranes with hopes to get better. Twas a great story! Wanna know what ruined it? The stupid college kids. When the lights went off, they stared screaming like lil girls and making stupid sounds. During the emo part of the sketch, the crazy lady behind me started laughing. I turned around and stared at her. I wanted to slap her foolish face. Yuck. now im thinking twice about going to college.

My Chemistry Teacher.

I tried to listen, but to no avail

chaos crowned king, bedlam prevailed

distressed looking, she flipped a new page

quietly knowing, its just our age.

`

day in, day out she controlled her temper,

who'd knew her insides were bound to falter?

one day, uncontrollably she gave out a shout,

"you ungrateful students! get out! get out!"

`

She regretted afterwards, we consoled her twas fine,

"you were mad. ha ha. outta your mind."

She resumed with teaching, this time with students listening,

class ended with promises of detergent making.

`

"where's she? Sucha liar! We wanna make soap!"

"She's unwell for now, no flu, I hope."

We shudder as a friend suggested that Hini have imprisoned her,

"No! it cant be," we defended, quite unsure.

`

Here I am now, still in denial,

How could we? so ignorant, unfilial.

My teacher just passed, thats what they said.

she's dead! I hear! she's dead! she's dead!!!

`

They were right, Hini is reigning the human race.

Its spreading like spilled gall at a very fast pace.

I urge you all to fall on your knees and pray,

or wait for hell, await YOUR day.

`

H1N1 awareness.

This is a true story.

Update.

I enjoyed MYF worship last sat. Makes all the difference when you care less! Good job Dion

! YES!, my app essay is finally going somewhere. Still needs editing though. Nevermind that. Im finally done with my Taylors Principal Award Scholarship app! Happy that all those hardwork at getting certs really paid off. Unfortunately, for kiasu people in my school... we never have enough. Obvious that while you are trying to compile your ECAs, eyes will be all over you, with jealous hearts and envious souls. No doubt this causes much unseen hatred. haha. I can feel my tank filling fast with kiasuness as I smiled with pride seeing other's empty resumes while almost bursting with anger, frown at those who do better. =D

There will be the last US app workshop at taylors this Sat. Right after that, I wanna go for the WISH UPON A CRANE presentation at Taylors too. My futuristic partner is organizing it! haha. I love weekends esp when its so fun-packed with.. FUN! On Sunday, we are gonna have our FINAL handbel practice, BUT... i have a New Zealand Education fair to go to. =( choices...

Down with it!

Few days ago, Wan Shin and I were reading Star Two (thanks to our daily Newspaper pinjamer- Zaqir). In there, they talked about how pornography was getting way outta hands and how all the COLLEGE PEOPLE who supposedly should have more brains were being drowned in em. Well you cant blame hormones for everything. So we were laughing about it, and I told WS.

"Hey! Do you know that if the kementrian really wanted to curb this thing, they can actually filter these sites? But u wanna know why they dont?"

"why?"

"cause they also watch!"

Just now, I read this article.

By EILEEN NG,Associated Press Writer AP - Saturday, August 8

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia - Malaysia may set up an Internet filter to censor pornography, a Cabinet minister said Friday, raising concerns among human rights and opposition groups that it may also be used to block dissent.

Information Minister Rais Yatim said he has instructed the Malaysian Communications and Multimedia Commission to look at how this can be done as part of efforts to protect children from sexual predators.

"We will not allow the safety of our children to be compromised. We will find all means to ensure Malaysia is free from the culture of pornography," he told reporters.

The plan goes against a pledge to not censor the Internet made by the government when it launched a high-tech zone modeled on California's Silicon Valley in 1996.

Lim Kit Siang, a leader of the opposition Democratic Action Party and a blogger, said the proposal came as a surprise and that it could be expanded to curtail online dissent.

"Once the government starts on the filtering mechanism, there is no proper check and balance to ensure it is confined only to porn, not to dissent. There is a danger of a larger censorship regime," he said.

The Center for Independent Journalism also urged the government to abort the plan, which is widely seen as strengthening the government powers in controlling online content.

Anti-government blogs and news portal have played a key role in eroding support for the ruling coalition, particularly before its worst-ever performance in general elections last year.

Rais, however, said the proposed Internet filter would not be used to censor blogs. Many blogs are known to offer strong anti-government commentaries and present themselves as a substitute for mainstream media, which are largely controlled by political parties.

"There will be no filter for bloggers, but if they breach the law, they will answer for it in court," he said.

The government has previously accused bloggers of spreading lies and undermining public stability, with leaders calling for bloggers to be regulated.

Bloggers don't need official permission to publish. Malaysia has nevertheless briefly imprisoned at least two bloggers under a security law. One of them, Raja Petra Kamaruddin, was convicted of libeling lawmakers and ordered to pay huge damages earlier this year. He faces another charge for sedition but has been in hiding since April to avoid being arrested again.

Rais declined to confirm a report by the Malaysian Insider online news Web site that the information ministry was soliciting bids to help evaluate the feasibility of an Internet filter _ similar to China's aborted "Green Dam" software.

The Web site said a study on the proposed filter would be completed by December and handed to the National Security Council headed by Prime Minister Najib Razak for a final decision.

China recently postponed plans to install Internet-filtering software in personal computers sold in the country amid domestic and international opposition.

Chinese authorities said the software was needed to shield children from violent and obscene material online. But experts who examined it have warned Green Dam also would block material the government deemed politically unacceptable. Top U.S. officials have also said the filter would be a barrier to trade.

I dare not say that my assumption was wrong YET! we'll just wait and see!